I liked these…
Teacher to class: ‘Two negatives make a positive. But two positives never make a negative.’ Pupil: ‘Aye, right.’
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. ‘Comfy?’asks the dentist. ‘Govan,’ she replies.
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: ‘Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken’ ‘Okay,’ says her dad. ‘Where are you ringing from? ‘Fae my knickers tae ma feet. ‘
What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography ..? Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’ ‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter’ ‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy. ‘Aye yer right!’ replies the bloke
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He’s awa’ noo.
After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt. ‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate. ‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ? Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one’s a Musketeer? The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: ‘Is there money in the box? ‘Naw, it’s just me,’ he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: ‘Do you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’ And he says: ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
‘What’s the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud.’ And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: ‘Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.
‘What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*d.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station? It’s called The Aw’ Needin’ Line.
Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad? Because the chef was Lou Ping.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: ‘What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?’ ‘I’d put him off at the next stop,’ he says. ‘Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t get the fare?’ ‘I’d take the first two weeks in August,’ he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car! ‘What’s up Jimmy?’ he asks. ‘Piston broke,’ he replies.. ‘Aye, same as masel…